_________ SWAT MAGAZINE ISSUE TWENTY SEVEN MARCH 2000 __________
  /         \___________________________________________/          \
 /	      Who I Hate At My Door Or On My Phone >=(              \
/                    By ThE ReNeGaDe mAsTeR                          \
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These are not in order

1. People who knock on your door offering you plastic windows.
(Especially if you have em like me)

2. Gas/Electric/Water companys offering cheaper fuel. Just
tell them that you will get some fuel and pour the fucker
over the stupid bastard if he doesn't fuck off.

3. Jehovahs witnesses. These are total fucks who push their
religion on to you. I dont like people who try to force
me in to things e.g Government, police and jovo bastards
who sell you that fucking watchtower thing. Invite them
in to your house if they haven't done that already and
offer them a cup of coffee. Sit there and pretend to roll
a joint while they are talking at you. Tell them that you
think you might become a Rastafarian and smoke Jah all day.
You could also tell them that you became a satanist last
month.

4. Police. Im sure that anybody who opens the door to a screw
gets that shiver down their spine and that tingling in your
head. The Police aren't the worst people to knock on your
door see number 5 to find that out. Most of the time the
police have came for enquirys about people who have gone
missing in your class have committed a crime etc.

5. Secret Service/Menwith Hill/FBI/NSA
By the way Menwith Hill is the UK's NSA. These guys have
obviously not came to talk about a Neighbour hood watch
scheme. You can't run, you can't hide, the only thing
you can do is pray. Or if you just so happen to have an
UZI in your hand you should be able to threaten/kill them
then run.

6. BT on the phone. They always do this every so often to
talk about some sort of "offer" don't directly threaten them
but tell them that if the calls dont get cheaper then the cable
people will get your custom (I haven't tried this but I guess that
they will offer some sort of offer).

7. Wrong Numbers. I know its a common mistake but once the same
person rings back 3 or 4 times its time to get verbal to them and
say that the next time you will trace him and possibly that your
phone number is that for a government facility in a calm but
authoritive voice.

8. Telesales. Once someone phoned me at home (I dont live and asked
if my mum or dad was there.

The Conversation

Ring Ring.
(TS) Is your mummy or daddy there? (In an irritating voice)
(TrM) WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
(TS) Well, I-Im trying to tell you about our PVC...
(TrM) I DON'T NEED A FUCKING PVC!
(TS) PVC Windows, sir. Why are you angry sir?
(TrM) COS YOU ASKED FOR MY PARENTS!
(TS) Is there a problem with that?
(TrM) YES! WHEN I LIVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!
(TS) Oh! Sorry sir I must have mistaken you for a child.
I'm ringing today to offer you ******* PVC windows for your.
(TrM)I have plastic wind... just... FUCK OFF!
Click.

If only I taped it (Sigh) never mind.